I have been waiting for 2 years for ‘The Worst Thing to Happen’. And now it is happening. The ‘Worst Thing to Happen’ is that I am forced to sell the house before I can get a job, and my soon-to-be-ex-husband stops giving us any money.
Well, he hasn’t stopped giving us any money yet, but in his Offer of Settlement, he pretty much wants to wipe all trace of us from his life. He has made no Offer of Maintenance. In fact, he wants me to sign a deed giving up my right to it, and less than the legal amount of Child Support, to be completely stopped when I have a job, 50% of all other assets, of which there are now few, after he has set up house twice in the last 2 years, with 2 women.
So my kids and I will move in with my mum, which will be pretty funny. She lives in a 2 bedroom apartment, so it will be a tight squeeze. I will begin to gather sit-com material the moment we move in. I will be blessed with great characters. My crazy, deaf Jewish mother, my sensitive, artistic 11 year old son, my cross-dressing, smart-as -a whip 8 year old and me.
How did this happen when I am the daughter of a Family lawyer? I have a higher than average IQ. I am a lawyer. I am not ugly…not knock-out, but not a dog. But I am REALLY gormless, in terms of the world. But still, how did I manage to get in THIS SITUATION? I have two Degrees and I have worked in 2 of the biggest law firms in Sydney. I have friends in positions of power. If I can make this much of a hash of it and end up here, imagine how bad it is for other people. I actually don’t have to imagine it, I know. And I am telling you, if YOU knew, you would be horrified. We wilfully shut our eyes to so much. And it just isn’t good enough, really.
It is some comfort that I have met some kick-arse women who are in exactly the same boat; women who I truly admire. Women who have scraped themselves off the floor and started again. Women who have set up businesses while rearing their kids alone, women who have slept in cars, and women who have lived in refuges, women who have had it worse, smart, sassy, clever, amazing women.
And also women in exactly the same position; professional women who have given up work to look after kids, whose husbands hate them more than they care about their kids, and who had ‘shiny’ careers, but who no longer fit the stereotype of ’employee of a Corporate’ closely enough to get a job doing what they used to do. So, it feels better to find out that I am not alone; kind of…it isn’t much consolation to find out that there are so many sociopaths walking around…and winning.
But then; look at who the world chose as its Master of the Planet – Donald Trump for goodness’ sake! It isn’t so much of a surprise that there are Mini-Masters of the Universe running the rest of the world. It is the Zeitgeist i’n it?
So what to do when the world loves a Sociopath? Chop wood and carry water. Hug your kids tight and do the best you can. Run your own race. Try to find some niche within the ‘Fear factory’ where you can bunker down and feel somewhat safe. Find people of your Tribe and value them. Give and Give and Give and Give…because that is the only thing that means anything. Try not to get too hard. Find your own Gods and pray to them- Love, Beauty, Truth, Kindness. And forgive yourself when you go off track…when it all gets too much and you give in to your own particular demons. It is in the ‘Human Rule Book’ that we are all meant to stuff up sometimes.
How did I become disposable, when at 50 I am smarter and kinder and more patient and more valuable, to my mind, than I was at 30? Why does society value only what is shiny and hard? And it is getting worse. I worry about how my kids, who have become like me, are going to find a place in this world of hard edges. I am so grateful I had boys. White males are less likely to end up on the scrap heap of life, which is where I fear I am headed.
This world doesn’t have that much need for fairies anymore. On the bright side, I will still be smart, hot and funny and have my wonderful family and friends. My ex will still be a sociopath.
Next post…Don’t let it happen to you…
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